Mishap of Sci-Fi Proportions Creates Romney/Ryan Hybrid

Inspired by and in the (attempted) style of The Onion

Encouraged by their staff that a trip to a research lab would be beneficial to the campaign and show voters that presidential and vice presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, respectively, weren’t completely against science and education, they agreed to the joint visit. The lab in question was a genetic research facility owned and operated by Monsanto, specializing in cloning and the re-sequencing of DNA to create future strains of patentable food supplies.

According to sources, while Romney and Ryan were being given a private tour of an experimental re-sequencing prototype that was expected to revolutionize the industry, there was an enormous power surge. An unexpected magnetic pulse traveled through the building, shorting out nearby electronics. No injuries were reported though it was observed that both Romney and Ryan did appear to be glowing slightly. After a thorough medical examination by on-site physicians, it was determined that the glow in question was simply the result of too much time in the sun or the spotlight. Doctors aren’t quite sure of which. The tour was postponed indefinitely and Romney and Ryan were escorted off the premises.

At approximately 4:56 p.m. on September 3, 2012 – based on time pieces found at the scene – there was some type of explosion a short distance outside the facility. Security personnel for the candidates reported seeing the two shake hands immediately before a blinding light surrounded them. The light was followed by a concussive force which knocked everyone in the area prone. One member of the security detail said, “It felt like what I imagine a nuclear blast would feel like. Only we survived somehow. And then something happened. I can’t describe it. I mean, it couldn’t have happened but it did. There was a guy. A third guy. Standing there between the two of them. But then he just . . . vanished.”

Others in the area reported similar stories: a mysterious third individual supposedly materializing out of thin air before disappearing almost as instantly. A lab technician who happened to be nearby was reported as saying “He looked sort of like the both of them but different. Kind of like that guy from those commercials. The one that lied to sell cars.”

Astonishingly, Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan were unscathed yet again. An extensive search for the phantom individual is underway but no leads have presented themselves at this time.

UPDATE: After posting this story, we received a phone call from a man claiming to know what happened to the mystery figure. He alleges at exactly the same time and date mentioned, he was outside an Isuzu dealership and saw a man pop into existence right in front of him. Exactly the same time and date, that is, only twenty-six years earlier. “I thought I was just imagining things. Like I had just not been paying attention or something. He looked like he was sort of out of it. I remember asking him, ‘Hey, Joe, you all right?’ He just smiled at me. A smile that sent chills through me and uttered a staccato, ‘Yes. I am Joe. Joe Isuzu. Everything is okay. You have my word on it.’

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