Growing up Roman Catholic, I was of course exposed to sin and salvation. (No, I’m not making the obligatory priest joke.) I’m sure I must’ve learned about the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Virtues. However, I don’t really recall learning them at a young age. They didn’t take root in my psyche – and imagination – until the movie Se7en. Even then I was far from fascinated. They were simply a passing curiosity until I entered my twenties.

I’m a part of that disaffected generation who doesn’t really “do” anything. I’m not big into holidays, vacations, etc. And I think the citizens of the United States have far too many days off. Correction, I think there are far too many government holidays. The U.S. is peopled with hard-working citizens who deserve time off. The government? Maybe not so much. They’re overpaid and underworked. Without getting into a rant about that, it’s suffice to say that I think my disdain laid the groundwork, planted the seed, if you will, that led to the realization that the Seven Deadly Sins can be synced up with major holidays.

First, let me say that it’s not a new concept I’m working with here. I’ve joked about it often with my friends, probably in an attempt to refine it and turn it into a stand-up routine or some such thing. But I’ve never put pen to paper, finger to keypad, ascii to binary. As such, I thought I’d do just that so I could share with the world my thoughts on this serendipitous union.

Now onto the fun. Wait. You probably want a recap of what the Sins actually are. I mean, sure you could go search for it but I’ll make it easy for you. Here they are in no particular order: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, pride, envy, wrath.

Let’s break this down, shall we.

Lust – It’s an easy one. (Pun not intended.) Valentine’s Day. What else could it be? I mean really. Granted if the population of the Earth were to plummet and we had to assign a day or several out of the year wherein people would procreate with anyone and everyone in an attempt to boost said population, we could reassign Lust. Until that fateful day, February 14 is Lust.

Gluttony – Hmm, overeating. What, oh, what could be the one holiday where we feast and feast and feast and give thanks? So, the fourth Thursday of November is reserved for Gluttony. Unless you’re Canadian, in which case it’s the second Monday in October. But we’re talking about U.S. holidays. Sorry, Canada. Maybe later.

Greed – Ah, greed. It’s supposed to be good, from what I hear. How good? Good enough to be associated with the big ‘C’. Christmas is all about the greed. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (But Easter is working overtime to catch up and Halloween’s got it’s eye on gift-giving, don’t you doubt it.) It’s a holiday that’s supposed to bring out the best in man. Unfortunately, the good in man is beat out by the rotten consumers battling to out-shine each other. Good times. :-\

As if greed wasn’t enough. Christmas is such a glutton of a holiday that it consumes two more sins. Envy and greed go hand in hand. They drive each other like a perpetual motion machine. But wait, there’s more. All this greed and envy and fighting people for the last [insert fad here] leads to wrath. Yup. Christmas is officially a trifecta, a hat trick – if you’ll allow the sports parlance. Well, they say these things come in threes. Unfortunately, we’re all sold out. I can give you a raincheck and you can check back after the New Year.

Still with me? Good. Only two more left. Have you guessed which holidays go perfectly with the two remaining sins?

Sloth – It’s the ironic holiday. The one day where we celebrate labor by not laboring. Indeed. Labor Day.

Pride – It goeth before the fall. That’s actually somewhat accurate. I mean, the Fourth of July is kind of approaching fall. Regardless, it’s a day we revel in being Americans. We’re proud Americans. I can hear you now, “The 4th is a different kind of pride.” Is it? For most people, I’ll grant you, it probably is. But for too many, the 4th may as well be labeled “Let’s Celebrate How We Think We’re Better Than Everyone Else Day”.

There you have it: A holiday for every sin. That’s not to say there isn’t a sin for every holiday. But there are quite a lot of holidays. Think of a few. Now, which sin fits best?